Romeo, oh Romeo
by S'revan
Summary: What if, for some reason, the characters of WK had to act out their version of Romeo and Juliet? Who would most hate being Romeo? And why are they so out of character?


Schuldich wandered out onto the balcony. "Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefor art thou Romeo?" he asked, languishing.

"That is NOT my name," said the person on the ladder below.

Schuldich leaned over, delighted. "My Romeo! You came!"

"I told you, thatÕs not my name!"

"Well yes, but Brad isn't very romantic."

"Neither is Schuldich," Crawford replied, heaving himself up and flipping onto the balcony. "What's more, you're supposed to be a girl. This is utterly ridiculous."

"I could make you think I was a girl, if it'd help."

Crawford glared.

"Can't you at least try to act?" Schuldich whined. 

Crawford stepped forward, leaned down, and growled into his face, "No."

Nagi pushed him, and in the scrabble to regain their balance, it looked like they were kissing. 

Farfarello, enjoying himself greatly even though he had to play the nursemaid, exclaimed, "Oh my! How scandalous! You must be wed at once!" He dragged them off to the chapel and proceeded to spill blood over the icons. 

There, Yohji was dressed in a parody of a priestÕs costume and looking pained. Then he realized the humor in the situation and started grinning. "So Crawford's got a thing for SchuSchu, hey?" he cackled.

"I donÕt!" Crawford snarled.

"Of course you do. The love you two share is so obvious." He struck a stricken pose. "Oh, for the Bradley fans! I have no choice but to begin the ceremony at once." Nagi held Crawford in place while Yohji mumbled something Latin sounding. "I pronounce you," he said at last, "Oracle and Mastermind." He threatened to fall into a fit of giggles, so Farfarello dragged them back towards the original set. 

Reiji Takatori pulled himself into the street. "I live again!" he proclaimed, then saw Crawford. "You! DIE!"

Crawford rolled his eyes, pulled his gun, and shot Takatori twice in the stomach and once between the eyes. 

Schuldich immediately began wailing. "Tybalt! Oh, my cousin, slain!" The he shrugged. "Oh well. He was an idiot anyway." Schuldich took Farfarello and went home.

Now Aya and Aya appeared as the Prince and Princess of the city. "You didn't let me kill him again!"male Aya yelled. Female Aya patted her brother's arm and turned to Crawford. "Sorry," she said, "but we're going to have to banish you. It's in the script."

"Not forever," Crawford said sourly.

Aya and Aya looked at each other, reached a decision, and started speaking as one. "No! Your families have caused bloodshed too many times! Go --forever."

"Be glad I'm not Weiß right now," male Aya added.

Crawford started to answer, but Nagi carried him off. 

Meanwhile, Manx was thinking of all the ways to torture Schuldich in her part as Paris. Ooo, fun! Unable to wait until morning, she rushed out to greet him. "Hey, Schuldich, guess what? You have to marry me."

"Huh?" Apparently, Schuldich didn't know the full play.

"It is true," Ken said, joining them. "It is a good match. On Thursday you will be wed." He was making an effort to sound serious, but anyone looking could tell he was fighting laughter.

Since Schuldich was still confused, Farfarello said, between snickers, "Oh! Lord Capulet! How kind you are to your son!"

"I am, aren't I?" Ken agreed affably. "Where were you out so late at?"

"Just a stroll," Schuldich said. "Good morrow, father." He dragged Farfarello to his room. There, he started producing tears. Farfarello joined in. "But IÕm already married!" he wailed.

"No wedding night!" Farfarello said, mourning his own loss. 

Schuldich turned a little green, but ignored him. "I don't want to get within 10 feet of that Manx woman in the mood she's in!"

"I agree with you there," Farfarello said. "C'mon, we'll pretend you're dead, okay?"

"I thought Yohji was supposed to do that."

"Do you really want to be subjected to _him_ again?" Farfarello asked, incredulous.

"Oh. Right. What do I do?"

"Drink this."

"Is that poison?" Schuldich asked.

"It'll only kill you a little," Farfarello replied. "You'll survive."

"O~kay." He drank the potion and immediately died.

"He's alive," Farfarello reassured the audience.

That morning, Ken walked in, then walked back out again. "He's dead," he said to Manx. "Heart failure. He won't be marrying you after all. Move along now."

Manx went, scowling.

~~~

Outside the city:

"I can go back?" Crawford asked.

Yes, the sign that Nagi held read. Only go to Schuldich's tomb.

"Why?"

The Ayas will be showing up.

"Okay!" Smiling at the thought of beating them up, Crawford began to walk back to the city, Nagi by his side. "By the way, why aren't you talking?"

I'm supposed to be mute. Nagi shrugged. He flipped the sign around. You know, like a stage hand.

"Ah. And the signs?"

Ranma 1/2.

"An anime?"  


Nagi shrugged again. It's addicting. Blame Omi.  


"Hey!" said the cameraman.  


"Shut up," said Crawford.   


They walked on.  


It was night by the time they reached the crypt. No Ayas. Not even one.  


Half an hour later, Schuldich was breathing again. No Ayas.   


"I'm _not_ doing the tragic ending," Crawford announced to the world at large, pulled a gun, and aimed it at Schuldich just as he awoke.

Schuldich eeped and held very still.  


NO! Nagi wrote, but since Crawford wasnÕt facing him, he whapped him with the sign.  


Male and female Aya burst in and frowned at Crawford. "Don't you dare," they said in unison. "Or we'll have to banish you again."  


"Shut up," Crawford growled, grabbed male Aya, and threw him offscreen.  


Female Aya got a little scared. "But what about Schuldich?" she asked.   


"Shut up!" he said again, picked her up, and tossed her after her brother. The he picked up Schuldich, slung him over his shoulder, and carried him off.   


Nagi rolled his eyes at the camera, then started to walk off just as the credits started rolling. 

  
JULIET -- Schuldich

ROMEO -- Brad Crawford

NURSEMAID -- Farfarello

FRIAR LAWRENCE --Yohji Kudou

TYBALT -- Reiji Takatori

PRINCE -- Aya & Ran Fujimaya

PARIS -- Manx

LORD CAPULET -- Ken

Manhandling Crew -- Nagi Naoe

Cameraman -- Omi Tsukiyono 


End file.
